Dancing with the Devil at the Ft. Worth Marathon

There is one song that truly defines my marathon today.  I must have listened to it at least 15 times (likely more).  I lost count after a while.  I listened to it when I was feeling down and in tears, and I listened to it when I was feeling happy and good.  It had totally different meanings depending on the mood I was in.  It was a melancholy song when I was tearful, and an uplifting "go get 'em" song when I was riding a high. 
I was seriously bi-polar during this marathon.  Moreso than most of my long runs (and that's really saying something).

Sometimes a song speaks to you in a certain situation.  Today this song was it.


Florence + The Machine:  Shake it Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn'

 And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'caust I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
 

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven found the devil in meLooking for heaven found the devil in meWell what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me

 

The ghouls coming out to play, every demon wanting his pound of flesh, and the dragging the horse around for me are all the DNF's I've had in the last year. Redman (my Ironman last September DNF'ing at mile 18 of the marathon), my DNF at Midnight Madness in Tulsa in late June, and DNF'ing at Palo Duro last month).I carry those around with me, and even if they don't always bother me on the surface, they are still there. Lurking and waiting to pounce on me when self-doubt comes creeping in.

I was introduced to Florence + The Machine by another blogger, Jill. Of all the songs on the Ceremonials album, I like this one the best (although there are about 6 others that tie for 2nd best). It just speaks to me. Especially when I'm suffering.

So even though my body revolted against me around mile 14, I knew I had no choice but to finish.  There were about 8 miles where you wouldn't have wanted to speak to me because you probably would have witnessed a really juvenile mental breakdown.  I listened to this song and cried.  I listened to it and smiled.  I walked when it hurt to run.  And then I ran when it hurt to walk.

Sure I wanted to give up many times, but I had no choice but to make it back to the start.  I had to bury that damn horse in the ground.  Is that the greatest line ever or what?  "Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground."  Just the idea makes me giggle.  Digging a horse-sized hole?  That would be really hard during a marathon.

In the end, I danced (mostly WITH the devil on my back), and marathon #7 is in the books. It wasn't pretty, but not everything in life is.
Obviously most of my races aren't pretty, but then again, I've never liked being the pretty one.

Here is the video if you care to listen to this amazing song:  http://youtu.be/WbN0nX61rIs

 

I'm blurry because I'm trying to shake that damn devil off my back

To run or not to run???

 



What to do... what to do???


I'm pondering doing a marathon this weekend in Ft. Worth, TX. 





I know it's pretty soon after my 50 miler, but I have my reasons.  They are listed below for your consideration:

1. I want to become a Marathon Maniac

OK- I guess there's only 1 reason I want to run the marathon this weekend.  If I do 2 marathons within 16 days I qualify to become a Marathon Maniac.  Why would I want to do this?  Who the hell knows?  Why do I want to do most things I do??  There's no explaining it.  I guess it makes me part of an exclusive club of a few who have done something so cuckoo and crazy. 
It makes perfect sense to me.  Maybe ONLY me, but I'm the only one who really matters anyway.  Right? 

So I'm on the fence. Today is Thursday.  The race is Sunday.  I need to make my decision by tomorrow. 
I mean, I've run 6 miles in the last 2 weeks.  I'm ready.  It's just 4 times that far.  I only have to average 16 min/miles to finish in 7 hours (the cutoff).  That's not hard at all.  I can walk that.

I don't know what to do...

but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to be driving down to Ft. Worth on Saturday...  

Hey it's good to be back home again...

"Sometimes this old farm feels like a long lost friend, yes, hey it's good to be back home again. "

Don't ask why, but this song was in heavy rotation on my run this morning.  And no I didn't have my iPod with me.  It was just floating around in my head during my run.  I couldn't stop it.  I tried. 
But you know what- I admit it. I like John Denver.  I'm not sure what that makes me (super-white? a hippy?  sympathetic to pot smokers? Rocky Mountain lover?). 
No matter, I freely admit that I have JD on my iPod.  I have this particular song on my iPod.  For 6 miles it floated in and out of my head.
Sometimes you just have to go with it...but I guess it's appropriate. 
These trails are like home.  They are the closest to my house and the ones I always go to.  I spend more time here than just about anywhere else. 

"There's a storm across the valley, clouds are rolling in, the afternoon is heavy on your shoulders."

"Oh, the time that I can lay this tired old body down, and feel your fingers feather soft upon me."

" It's the sweetest thing I know of, just spending time with you. It's the little things that make a house a home."

Recovery is coming along.  Everything felt pretty good out there today and after about 1:10, it all felt just fine and I was sailing along. 
Love my trails.  Love being outside.  Love feeling "at home."

Feels good to shake out the cobwebs

I did my first recovery run after the race this afternoon.  I went to the trails and did a short 2 miles. 

I've been REALLY slothful this week, although everything I read said to take it easy and rest as the body told me to.  I took lots of naps, ate just about anything and everything I wanted since I was ravenous all week, and was generally one lazy bum.  And that's what's supposed to happen.

But today my legs got to itching at work.  They started talking to me telling me they were ready for a run.  Not a long one, but just long enough to shake my muscles loose and get moving again.  The first 10 minutes was hard, but it always is.  We've had this discussion before about how it takes me over an hour to warm up and get in a groove.  The body felt surprisingly good out there.  Really, nothing hurt and everything that was a little stiff loosened up pretty quickly.  I fell into a groove rather easily and even though it felt slow, it was a comfortable and sustainable pace.

My breathing, however, was pretty labored.  I had a hard time getting comfortable with my breath.  I felt like I was gasping the whole time; like it was the first time I had ever run in my life. 

So it was no surprise when I looked at my watch as we finished the 2 mile loop and realized we had run it in less than 28 minutes.  Um.... OK.  That explains it.  I usually run that loop in closer to 30. And that's when I haven't done a 50 miler less than a week earlier.  No wonder Bluff Creek took my breath away today. 

Feels good to be back out there again!

Thoughts on 24 The Hard Way

Going into the race I wasn't feeling my best.  Wednesday I went to work not feeling well, and progressively got worse as the day wore on.  By days end, I was in the doctor's office with strep throat and a prescription for an antibiotic. I went home and went to bed.  Thursday I stayed home from work and rested, and was feeling better by the end of the day.  Friday I woke up feeling great.  I was still determined to do the race, but wasn't sure how I would do or how far I would go.  I still had to try.

I thought doing a one mile loop continuously for the better part of a day would get awfully boring.  Surprisingly it wasn't.  I don't know how, but it wasn't.  There were lots of people to see, nature to watch, conversations to eavesdrop on that I didn't find myself getting bored.  About 5 hours in I put my iPod in and started listening to it because I was getting tired of my own thoughts and wanted a distraction from the growing aches and pains that were developing. 

I talked with a lot of interesting people.  Met people from California, Washington, Minnesota, Australia, Texas, Philly, and right down the block.  I got to hear lots of neat stories and listen to some boring ones.  I heard tales of ultras gone wrong, ultras gone right, PR's, kids, jobs and wild adventures.  Seems like I did FAR more listening than talking.  Maybe because I didn't want to bore people like some people were boring me.  More than once I would say I had to stop and tie my shoe, or stretch or something just to get away from someone.  But really, it just seemed like most people I came upon just wanted to talk, and didn't bother to ask questions of me.  Unless prodded, I'm not going to blabber on and on just to hear my own voice.  Nobody cares... and if they act like they do, they're probably just being polite.

I'm an extrovert by nature.  I like talking to people and being silly, but I really become an introvert on long stuff like this.  I prefer silence or the voices in my head to actual conversations.  I like to look around and listen to nature or just take it all in.  I like to mull things over or work things out, or just worry about what they will do when they find my body after I fall over dead on the trail after a zombie attack. You know- real stuff.

I had a LOT of time to think out there.  Think about lots of things.  But the thing I thought about the most was: Why do I do this?  It's hard to have a good reason for it.  I guess it's my drug of choice.  Nothing makes me feel more.... alive than when I'm doing something so long that I feel every emotion that you can feel as a human.  Anger, happiness, sadness, doubt, confusion, worry, elation, fright, regret, etc. 

Some people use substances to get to the extreme emotions we have as humans.  I use sport. 
I enjoy the polar opposites of feeling wild elation and happiness, and then feeling so low and crying in pain or frustration.  I don't know how to explain it.

There was a moment on the course where I was hurting.  I think it was probably around mile 33. Hips, lower back, hammys, feet and I was walking along just trying to zone out.  Then I went through the aid station, got a drink of Coke and Rhianna's "Umbrella" comes on my iPod and all of a sudden I feel no pain and I'm dancing out of the aid station feeling like a million bucks.  Was it the Coke?  The song?  A weird switch flipping in my brain?  Early onset dementia?  I don't know, but those wildly swinging emotions are my drug.  It's why I do this.  I enjoy it in some strange way.

Feeling such a wide range of emotions makes me feel alive.  I don't get those feelings doing the mundane things of everyday life.  Going to work, grocery shopping, doing laundry, visiting family, playing fetch, cleaning the house.  I enjoy those things in different ways, but none of those have me on the edge. I love being on the edge of my emotions while challenging my phyical limits.  It's what makes me feel like there is purpose to what I'm doing in the other hours of my life. In our experience as humans we have to push ourselves to our limits to find out what we are capable of. 
And that's why I like this so much.

Other endurance junkies will understand.

24 The Hard Way- my first 50 mile race in pictures

I'm not feeling like I can put this race into words just yet, so here is a photographic diary of my race.  There are comments along the way to explain some things, but the pictures speak for themselves. 

It was a great experience.  Truly.  There were a lot of ups and downs, and my pain cave was bigger and deeper than any other race I've done before.  Sometimes I got lost in there and had trouble finding my way out.

A day later I feel very good physically and mentally.  Oddly, I want to do this again in the very near future.
I'll write another post when the thoughts can better come together.

Just for photo credit sake, all the pictures with an R after them are courtesy of Randy Sadler (www.randysadler.com).  He's an amazing photographer!!

 

Before the race with my hubs.  He did the trail race, I did the road

R

hamming it up with my cupcake friend

R

my other good friend who introduced me to Ironman, trail running, and endurance racing

 

ready at the start

R

 

R

one lap down, 51 to go

R

this is a Zebro (a male zebra).  Don't ask...

R

John, the guy who started the rugby game we would play all day

R

my hubs out on the course

 

R

 

 

R

one of my favorite endurance friends

Found the rugby ball in the trees...time to hide it and begin the day-long game of hide and seek

hitting a wall- not feeling great

still not feeling great, but getting better.  Another marathon in the books.

FINALLY!  My first 50K. 

well, not really just *yet*- only at 30.77

 

a quarter mile down the trail I officially got to a 50K 

time to play more rugby hide and seek

6:00 pm- all the 6 and 12 hour runners are done and heading back to the finish line.

Now it's just the 24 hour people left

the itty bitty incline that felt like Everest the longer the race went on

R

R

My friend Randy taking night pictures- trying to give me seizures with his flash

Tired. Ready to be done. About to go deep into my pain cave for about 8 miles.

FINALLY!  50 miles achieved!!!  I'm so happy I'm about to cry.  But my tears would freeze on my face, so I didn't.  Wearing so many layers that I can barely hold my arm out to take the picture.

Yay!  It's official.  50.01 miles.

 

R

Showered and back in the morning at the race site to see my hubs finish his 24 hour race

(he won overall male Masters)

R

R

him chowing down after the race

I'm glad I did it.  I wish it didn't take me as long as it did, but I had no idea what to expect.  There was running, walking, and slogging.  There was also laughter, smiles and happiness.  I love how doing this stuff makes me feel (about myself, about my fellow racers, about being alive).  I can't wait to do it again.

I really do have good runs. I promise.

I just realized that all of my recent posts are about bruises or pains or some other such nonsense.  I really do have LOTS of good runs.  Most of them involve some sort of mishap, but that's only because I'm:  a) quite clumsy and b) accident-prone. 
Hopefully the tone isn't all pain and bruise and ouchie.  More often than not I have a really good time out in nature.  I just continually struggle against my inner klutz....